You both want great intimacy and the chores need to get done too.
Caveat: Gender-assigned chores are on the decline. This article is designed to give hope to relationships where women are doing certain types of household jobs that may be decreasing their sexual desire.
Did you know that the type of chores a woman does in marriage can influence her desire in the bedroom? We know that sharing the workload is important for any relationship, but what may be surprising is that the type of work the woman does around the home and for the family may contribute to low sexual desire.
Read on to understand this issue better and receive some hope and tools for what to do about it.
In a recent Psychology Today article titled “4 Things That Sap Women’s Sexual Desire,”(1) author Sari Cooper notes that women often do the daily, perpetual chores in a relationship. That is, they’re doing the meal prep, the cleaning, and the laundry. You know, the seemingly never ending jobs that need to be done frequently and can’t be arranged into convenient times of the day or week.
On the other hand, men in relationships tend to be the ones who do chores that can be scheduled for times that work best for them. They're often doing chores like maintaining the car, fixing things around the house, or managing the finances. These jobs can often be put off until the weekend or an evening with an opening on the calendar.
All these chores need to be done. The ones women typically do and the ones men typically do. And all the chores can be tedious, stressful and let's just say it, thankless.
What's noteworthy is that a 2022 study (2) shows that stress related to the types of jobs that women often do can lower women's sexual desire. For example, the perpetual and pressing nature of their tasks can mean that sex becomes a lower priority for them.
With insight from these findings, I want to give you some hope & tools!
Here are some things to try:
Mix it up. Swap a job for a couple weeks. If you don’t know how to do the chore, watch a YouTube video and just do your best. Ask your spouse for help only if you really get stuck. If you're the one who typically does the chore and it's not being done your way, try not to micromanage or criticize. Instead, be grateful you don't have to do it.
Find some help. If your budget allows, pay for a service or someone to help with the perpetual chores. Or, ask family or friends if they can pitch in to lighten the load.
Get my 2-week stress-reducing blueprint to negotiate the shared workload at home. It has tips for having a productive conversation so that you can get aligned on this topic.
No one likes that chores can lower a woman's libido!
When addressing this, remember that you’re on the same team. Get a coffee and talk it through. The two of you united in facing this issue.
As you approach this together, be creative and if you want some coaching, reach out. I’d love to connect! There are lots of ways to reach me. www.kristinbarnhart.com
1 Cooper, Sari. “4 Things That Sap Women's Sexual Desire”. Psychology Today. April 8, 2023
2 Sari M. van Anders, et al. “The Heteronormativity Theory of Low Sexual Desire in Women Partnered with Men”. Archives of Sexual Behavior. 2022.
©kristinbarnhart www.kristinbarnhart.com 860-333-8773
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